If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
