i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
