I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
