i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
