A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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