I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
