I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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