I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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