jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
