and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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