I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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