Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Randomize
