I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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