You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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