please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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