I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
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