the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
