pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
