i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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