it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
