shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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