You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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