I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
