just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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