if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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