At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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