don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
