Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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