Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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