Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
