4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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