'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
