I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
