before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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