My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
