I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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