you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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