remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
