It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
