I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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