$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
