I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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