I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
