When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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