i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
