My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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