Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
