my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
