His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
