i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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