Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
