Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
