We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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