I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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